This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I would fuck him just for his dog
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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