I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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