Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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