Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm passing your future prison.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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