he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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