my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
