$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
