matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
