So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
