Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
