i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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