Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize