why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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