I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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