Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
