I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize