my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
