My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
