I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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