Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
