Just fell off a train. Bad.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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