Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize