Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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