Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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