hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
