And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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