PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
