I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
