oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
