i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
