i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
