So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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