You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
