Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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