i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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