"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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