All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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