my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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