Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
