The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
