He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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