your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
