Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
