last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
