all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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