also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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