Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
two words...techno handjob
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
