Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
