Swine flu is the new snow day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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