I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
