Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
