I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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