college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
