If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
