Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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