Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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