Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
