i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
